Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Voodoo map
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
