Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
shut up and take my money
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right