PER MY LAST EMAIL
You Might Also Like
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
is he marrying that labradoodle
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.