PER MY LAST EMAIL
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
This pepper has seen some shit
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?