per my last wtf
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mumsnet is amazing
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.