per my last wtf
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
What’s a Messi?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
How wrong was this guy?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title