per my last wtf
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
😂💯
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.