per my last wtf
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.