per my last wtf
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*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
prepare for carbonated trouble
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you