per my last wtf
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.