Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

My dream car is a taco truck.

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll