Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me