Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle