Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.