Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more