Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
それは草
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Welcome to the stomach
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded