Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

#Thanos #MondayMood

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Are we there yet?…

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Seductively sings in Klingon.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

😂😂

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane