Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“you recording!?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
what’s more important?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Every house has this drawer
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me too, bag. Me too….
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*