Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.