Perfect.
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
🤣
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If I ignore life will it go away?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me