Perfect.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.