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I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.