Perfect
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
When your diet is finally over.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!