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‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.