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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
groan^2
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision