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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.