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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.