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Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Steam Forums
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
How I’d get arrested…
