perfect
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.