Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-