Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.