Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Roses are red
Violets are blue

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.