Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

realest tweet ever.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out