Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too