Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.