Perfect.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Spotted in New Orleans.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.