Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

ㅤ

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

OMG 🤣🤣

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

multitasking lunch

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.