Perfection.
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[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction