Perfection.
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When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Good morning.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.