Perfection.
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Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.