‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.