Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I went from rags to one rag.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?