[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
boat question
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?