[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I disagree with my politics
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup