Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

what are they serving at kfc then???

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

This will never not be funny 😭

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries