*performs CPR on the turkey*
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Just a friendly reminder!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.