*performs CPR on the turkey*
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I went from rags to one rag.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.