Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

tell em, edith-anne

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

dutch is not a serious language

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

honestly, i need both:

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.