Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

My favorite farside!!

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

these two trucks have the same bed length

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later