*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Feel. He’s so soft.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
honey, bring out the fine china.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!