Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

😍😂🥰😂😍

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here