*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!