Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

If only

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

happy valentine’s day to me

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone