Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

we’re dead?

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…

and its a text from my wife:

Please bring the chips on your way back

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably