Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Me too 😆

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Is fake venison called venisn’t

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

The options really are this bad

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

I need to update my racial profile.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice