Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?