Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.