Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

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Just take a day off

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Best mom ever 😂

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.