perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.