perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
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“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.