perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“i am a sweet baby”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?