perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.