Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

found this cool rock hiking today

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

*serious situation*

My brain:

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.