perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.