Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?