Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂