Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

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Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?


Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut


Yes beer, it’s definitely time to try out my karaoke skills on the front lawn again


Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.


I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.


“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.


Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”


“There’s a lime wedge on your face”