Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”