Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
had to share :’)
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I think I’m having a stroke
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less