Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
those birds must be on payroll
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.