Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Oh no
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
pictures of spider-man
