Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
🧠
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on