Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…