Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Cheers Twitter.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started