Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Need WebMD
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.