Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

Does this dress make me look cat?

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I wish amazon would stop finding things i might like

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.