Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.