Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Just say no