periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
If you love someone, let them tweet.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.