Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.