Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The human personality is made of five key elements
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.