Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

jesus, what did this guy do

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers