Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.