Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
dictator is short for richard potato
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
#StillHurts
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.