Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour